The meaning of lavender; let's plant some seeds, Baxter Thor!

It is with doomed optimism that I enter the Garden Center, prepared to spend $42 plus tax on 21 small pots of Provence lavender at $2 each, as stated in the online ad "50% off Perennials." Further into the website, Provence lavender is listed under "Perennials." I assume (I know ass out of you and me ) this means all lavender is on sale for 50% off between July 29 and August 4 as the ad states.

However, when I enter the store and find the Perennial section, there are no $3.99 pots of Provence lavender available and the clerk claims "the sale isn't until next week".

Reminds me of the August 2 debt ceiling bill. Smoke and mirrors, nothing is happening, nothing is changing, it's all same old same old, get over it, that's life in the pass lane. I do not have a computer handy to argue my case. And so I am stuck with it.

The pots of Provence lavender- or any lavender to be found in the Perennials section- are huge and cost $14.99 each. What?

The clerk smiles sweetly when I say, I cannot buy even three pots this size for $42.

It is only $3 more than you planned to spend. I give her the evil eye. I can bounce a check when it is $3 over, and I wind up paying a $35 fee. Not worth the chance. I need to buy Finnegan a new bag of hypoallergenic dog food and who knows how much that will cost.

Yet, I am determined to leave with some lavender. I have been dreaming in technipurple, sniffing Uni-Fresh Lavender Air Freshener, and reading up on all its lovely benefits in anticipation. There must be some combination of lavender I can afford.

I spy packets of seed across the room and, sure enough, there are packets of English lavender seed for $1.89 each. I select three packets. The Perennial lady had suggested something about lavender in the Herb section. I do not see a sign labeled Herbs.

A low level clerk- I know she is low level because the clerk who pointed me toward the Herb section talks down to her- this low person on the totem pole could not be more helpful. Together, we find small pots containing all varieties of the purple herb. We dig through pot after pot until we unearth four Provence lavenders for $3.99 each.

I have my lavender! Baxter Thor can begin digging sanctioned holes in the back yard! I wonder if juicy bones will tempt him.

I am intrigued to discover this description of sea lavender purpose found in Green Hope Farm's catalog under second chakra issues:

Spiritual challenge- To discover who you are by experiencing yourself in relationship to others, to learn from partnerships of physical romance, professional ties, creative endeavors, and money. To realize spiritual truth that self-knowledge, not self worth, is the harvest of these external markers.

Though I like to claim a higher spiritual level- chakra 2, seriously, I must accept the relevance of all lessons contained within this list. I am struggling with these issues, as revealed in my recent hubs:
Relationship issues
Sex, um not going there
Professional ties
Creative endeavors
Money issues or just do the math above...

It is as if a targeted curriculum has appeared from no where. Serendipity has found me- though on a deep level, I do not believe it is anything close to serendipity.
If the entire description is relevant in my life, what exactly does this last sentence mean:
To realize the spiritual truth that self-knowledge, not self worth, is the harvest of these external markers.

Must be something for me to learn, as I do not understand this sentence in the least. Let me break it down.

...self-knowledge, not self worth, is the harvest of these external markers...

Harvesting something means it has ripened into fruit, i.e., fruit of one's labors.

Relevant external markers are: discovery of self in relationship to others; learning from partnerships of physical romance; professional ties; creative endeavors; and money.

The fruit of each of these markers results in self-knowledge, not in an increase in self-worth.

Self-worth? Hmmm.

Joy2MeU writes, "Ego strength is obtained externally. We were taught in this society - as in any codependent culture - to look outside to define ourselves and give us a feeling of worth. We have worth if we are better than others. We are validated in comparison to others, for being: smarter than, richer than, prettier than, more talented than, having better grades than, etc., etc. This empowers the illusion of separation and feeds the fear of not being good enough. Everyone in a codependent society has to have someone to look down upon in order to feel good about themselves."

I hate it when I feel like that. I hate not feeling "good enough" and I hate feeling any semblance of superiority. So yes, I agree. An increase in self-worth as described above does not represent harvested fruit.

I will have harvested lessons from these markers when I learn more about myself (why I behave as I do, why I make choices as I do, why I feel jealousies as I do, why I get angry as I do, why I ask why as I do), not when I compare how I am doing in relationship to others. This means releasing attachments to who I am in relationship to others. Defining myself in this way is meaningless. What matters is who I am in relationship to myself; who I am on the inside. I AM the harvest.

I have victimized myself, by allowing myself to be defined in relationship to others. From the beginning, my life has been about giving up myself, my opinions, my value. Oh, I fought back. But in the end, I have allowed myself to become "not good enough", passive, male-dominated.

Perhaps this is why I am so disappointed in the final Debt Ceiling Bill; I am disappointed in my own willingness to give away all I value in order to sign something, anything. But this willingness to compromise away my self knocks me off balance. When I give everything away, I am left with an internal, empty shell.

Washington reflects the struggle running ragged inside every American. I have been diminished by a pack of bullies. I need to reclaim my truth. The articles listed above reflect my struggle.

I AM the focus of divine will, moving through my whole being and illuminating my path so that I remain in a state of divine clarity at all times. Green Hope Farm