Planning the funeral of a loved one is a manageable- though daunting- task

A funeral is a celebration of one's life and so it is of utmost importance to design such an event around the wants and needs and likes of the person involved. As death informs life, so life informs death, particularly when planning the funeral of a loved one.

I am beginning this process, having taken on the funeral arrangements for Baba, now moving into hospice care.  I would like to share with you what I am learning.

Fulfilling the wishes of the person to be celebrated begins with burial plans, i.e., does the person want to be buried in a casket or to be cremated? If the person wishes to be cremated, does he want his ashes scattered somewhere or does he prefer to have his ashes interred near the burial plots of loved ones or in some local location or on someone's mantle? There are laws regarding where ashes can be scattered and there are arrangements to be made regarding burial plots for caskets or urns.

According to the site Law of Scattering Cremated Remains: First, the remains of a cremated body are not “ashes,” as the term is commonly referred to. The remains are bone fragments that can be too large to scatter if they have not been mechanically reduced. They do not immediately dissolve when scattered. They normally cannot be disbursed and blown away when scattered; so be mindful of that.

Second, while it is permissible in most states to scatter cremated remains, there are indirect legal requirements. No state law allows cremated remains to be scattered on private property without the consent of the property owner. (Common sense really dictates here though; what can you do on private property without the consent of the property owner? …nothing that I know of.) Many national and state parks have permit requirements and sometimes location limitations for the scattering of those remains.

Does the person wish his service to be in a specific church or does he prefer a funeral home? Though either or a combination of both are standard in the United States, some opt for Unusual Funerals. The dying person has the right to choose where and how he will be remembered.

Churches and Funeral Homes are good at managing details, reminding family members what is required and what best suits the person in the casket or urn. This includes music and service bulletins as well as words to be spoken during the service or to be written into an Obituary for local newspapers.

Some churches have a Grief and Funeral Director with resources at her fingertips.  Many also support nurturing groups of people who have all lost loved ones; these groups wrap community around those in the midst of the grieving process, providing meals for the family, and counseling as needed.

But perhaps there is a community already in place, as shown in the above video, where flatbed truck drivers gathered for an appropriate and meaningful celebration of a co-driver's life.  Funerals are Celebrations of Life, but they also provide comfort to those grieving and need to take into consideration what satisfies the needs of those who love the deceased as well as the wishes of the deceased.

The average funeral cost is $6000. While available financial resources inform decisions, they do not dictate the possible. In tough economic times such as these, it is possible to do a bare bones funeral that holds a great deal of meaning for all involved. This begins when funeral planners invite input from those who will be left behind.

When my Dad died, I wanted to do the Eulogy and there was no stopping me. Each grieving individual has specific needs and a funeral is enhanced when the wishes of those closest to the deceased are honored.

Are there any specific associations with music or with spiritual verses or with words to live by that bring the person dying to mind. For example, I was talking to my daughter this morning and I asked, "Are you thinking about life without Baba?" and she said, "No, I am thinking about life with Baba. I remember he always liked the song Edelweiss. When we sang it at one of their parties, he came up and joined us. Now whenever I hear that song, I always think of him."

This is the kind of information that can only be gleaned when funeral planners ask for it. Perhaps there is a photographer in the family who would like to compile a dvd of the person's life. Perhaps there is a musician who wishes to play an original piece to honor their loved one. Perhaps there is an artist who might like to draw a last portrait of the still living beloved.

All of these wishes can be accommodated when a planner takes the time to ask others. Of course it is important to ask the dying person what they would like in the way of music or verses: how they would like to be remembered and even who they might like to represent them in a Eulogy. My stepfather says it is nice to have one or two Eulogies that last around 15 minutes total, in the case of an elderly person. (For youth, it is important to provide an opportunity for all to speak.)